It has to be, that any clothing designer who ever added a button fly to a pant instead of choosing a zipper could not be straight**. And I can confidently say that there is not one straight man on this earth who enjoys the extra attention paid to his crotch while he tries to button his button fly pants in a public restroom.
“Ahhh, no sir, I was not playing with myself in front of your son here in the airport restroom. I was just trying to button my new fancy, button fly pants.”
“Yes, sir, I realize that the zipper was invented like a hundred years ago. Actually, it was about a hundred and sixty years, in 1851.”
“No sir, I do not think I’m ‘some kind of fucking cowboy’.”
If I was Larry Craig’s lawyer I would screw the ‘wide-stance’ defense***. What I’d do is, I would appoint as many men to the jury as I could. In my opening statement I would walk up to the jury and just say three words, “Button fly pants”.
All of the jurors would then go, “ahhhhhh”. End of case. In the law books forever as, “The Button-Fly Defense”.
** I may at this point be accused being some kind of homophobe, which is completely untrue. I am the least homophobic person that I know, (and I will be able prove this in a future post). I just feel that a gay clothing designer would have trouble predicting that there would be an issue with the extra 5 minutes that it takes to button up your fucking button fly pants.
*** Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex from men in the restroom of the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. He tried the now famous ‘wide-stance’ defense.